Monday, August 24, 2009

PERCOLATOR PERCHING SPIDERS

Green Early American Morning
Investment Rituals And Strategies


Did you ever find yourself saying “they’re ought to be a law about this”? I mean, did you ever in the process of going about your ordinary daily life look at something that is happening to you or to someone else you know and care for and come to the conclusion that whatever it is that is happening, it simply shouldn’t be happening and if it wasn’t happening, life would indeed be much better for us all?

I think about this kind of stuff all the time and I imagine you do the same. Particularly today in 2009 in our United States of America, there are so many thoughts, issues and laws that if changed or modified either slightly or entirely would clearly benefit us all. To start listing and writing about them would take forever and even though I indeed do list and write about them, I do so because certain things affect me more than other things and as they do, I think about them probably in a more in depth manner than most.

As often is the case, when I’m thinking about one thing that “they ought to make a law about” something else comes to mind and in doing so, the one law I’m thinking about has a way of spilling over into the social and legal boundaries of another law I’m also thinking about. I call this practice “legal multi-tasking”. Having said this and as I’m certain that the people who ultimately do make laws do have some purpose in mind for the laws they do make, I’m equally certain that most of the laws that are made are made to cater to the specific needs of those who will be directly affected by the immediate enforcement of the law rather than the larger and much broader socio-economic outcome of the law.

The particular law that I am thinking about now has to do with the governance of coffee pots.

I’m serious. I am not joking.




I think about coffee pots every morning and at times in late afternoon and at other times in the evening. What I think about when thinking about coffee pots is the fact that they are really not appreciated nor is the potential 21st century industrial wisdom that they have the capacity to preach fully understood. Because they are neither appreciated nor understood, we as Americans are loosing billions of dollars annually to a wholly wasted 21st century green industrial revenue source that of all things is not in any matter whatsoever, the least bit funny to ponder.

To clarify, I am not talking about coffee beans or coffee filters, coffee growers, wholesalers or coffee retailers or coffee consumers, I’m talking about coffee pots and the overall negative carbon footprint coffee pots and coffee making machines in general leave on our overall capacity to grow a truly sustainable early American morning, 21st century, green investment portfolio.

I brew my coffee in an old fashioned coffee percolator. While I haven’t always brewed my coffee in such an ancient device, I do so now because this device just like all of its’ contemporaries and so called energy efficient descendents remains the benchmark of a typical early American morning portrait of personal meditation. While we drink our early American cup of coffee to reflect upon the day ahead, among other reasons, we do so to help us think through the morass of laws that we will be confronting once we set our dirty coffee cup into our dirty kitchen sink and rush off from the comfortable perch of our favorite back or front porch or kitchen or bedroom or living room nook to experience living and performing in the dirty world we as a nation are forced to confront on a daily basis.

Think about this whole coffee pot concept for a minute.

When you do, ask yourself if the coffee pot you are drinking from daily is indeed leaving a massive carbon spill that grows increasingly larger every time you use the thing. If you are like most people (this is just an assumption) you probably don’t use an old fashioned percolator to brew your early American morning pot of coffee. If you are like most people, the reason you don’t is old fashioned coffee percolators are too time consuming to deal with. And, if you are like most people not only do you have a state of the art coffee maker with an automatic feature that allows you to preset the time that coffee will start brewing even though in doing so, you have managed to overly compartmentalize your entire daily life (you’re right, I don’t have many friends) as well. Not only is your favorite coffee perch seldom visited but on the rare occasion that it actually is visited, you spend your time dusting off furniture filled with carbon dust and spider webs which of course entirely ruins your early American morning coffee moment anyway.

As automated coffee brewers have been the rage in America for decades, it’s probably difficult for you to even imagine having a friend that not only uses and old fashioned coffee percolator daily but also doesn’t have carbon dust or spider webs hovering about his favorite early American morning sunrise perch (maybe we could be friends after all).

There is in our America today something quite unusual if not altogether odd about using an old fashioned coffee percolator. Aside from the fact that those of us who use them are probably not wired to respond very well to the short sighted American laws that make our days all too hectic in the first place, our investment portfolios are also not wired to respond very well to a U.S. economy that is quite unfortunately tied to those same short sighted American laws and state of the art coffee makers. Needless to say, those of us who do use percolators and don’t have carbon laced cobwebs adorning our early American sunrise perches have far more dynamic and sustainable 21st century green investment portfolios as well. While there are many secrets to investing your money in today’s precarious early American morning coffee drinking economy, virtually none of those secrets have to do with owning stock in coffee beans or coffee filters, coffee growers, wholesalers or coffee retailers, coffee consumers or state of the art coffee makers. As such ownership virtually assures short sighted financial gain to everyone other than housekeepers that are hired to clean off carbon dust and cobwebs from the furniture that defines our never used early American morning coffee perch, everyone else is making a very bad financial investment.

Because legal loophole drinking early American sunrise coffee drinkers don’t abide by many of the laws and useless social time constraints automated coffee drinkers abide by, we are free to become wholly advanced “21st century green industrial scientists”. While everyone else is literally off to the legal, social and industrial rat races that make up the larger portion of our nation’s overall failing economy, failing investment portfolios and ever broadening negative carbon dust trails, loophole drinking early American sunrise coffee drinkers are staring at their old fashioned coffee percolators in absolute amazement. While it is true that because we are mad scientists who stare at old fashioned percolators, we don’t have many relationships with non loophole oriented early American sunrise rise coffee drinkers, the relationships we do have are quite meaningful to us.

I for one have wonderful relationships with the spiders that hang out around my early American sunrise coffee drinking morning perch.

Before I go any farther with the concept of having relationships with spiders, let me clarify that this essay is not meant to be humorous. It is benchmarked in tangible 21st century, fiscally responsible investment advice. If you don’t believe me then I strongly suggest that the next time you do find yourself with the time to actually sit on the furniture that has unfortunately become covered with carbon dust and cobwebs, you take the time to listen to the spiders sitting in the chair you are supposed to be sitting in.

At any rate, let’s get back to the old fashioned percolator and the actual non-humorous intention of this essay.

If you had and used an old fashioned percolator, you would discover by simply taking the time to brew coffee the old fashioned way that there is something very wrong with the physical environment that exists both inside and outside of the home that holds all of your very special personal and deeply private perches. What you would discover is that on any given morning, the time it actually takes to brew your coffee can be as short as two minutes and as long as ten minutes. As I am not only a mad scientist, but an industrial and economic advisor, I am dead serious about this observation just as I am dead serious about the notion that our nation is loosing billions of dollars every month and in every quarter on an annual basis due exclusively to the fact that we mistakenly assume that old fashioned percolators are a waste of our industrial American time.

Are you still laughing?

Can we be friends now?

Would you like to meet my spiders?

If there is an eight minute discrepancy in the time it takes to brew an old fashioned pot of coffee in an old fashioned coffee percolator, chances are far better than not that we as Americans are simply not building technologically advanced, environmentally sustainable homes. Because we are not, we are as well, not building technologically advanced industries that assure that home is environmentally in tune with the scientific mind set each and every one of us actually possess. Because we are in such a hurry, we as a nation are collectively and entirely missing out on the creative genius we would be able to capitalize on financially if we only took those eight minutes of early American morning coffee drinking time to assure the barometric pressure and tension that exists quite naturally between the inside and outside air quality of our homes was in fact harnessed.

I told you this was a serious essay.

In fact this is so serious that the next time your five year old child complains out of the clear blue sky that he or she has an ear ache, please consider the notion that your automatically timed coffee maker is probably not the least bit concerned with the ear ache or your child. As automatically timed state of the art coffee makers are not designed to be barometers that can actually serve as early warning indicators of potential upper respiratory ailments forming within the interior climate of your home, old fashioned percolators are. Much like the difference between a state of the art burglar alarm and your family dog, technology that can sense someone jiggling your door knob is slightly inferior to the hairs that stand up on your pets backside when an intruder into you whole family life consciousness could be a few hundred yards away. At any rate, because you are concerned about your child’s ear ache, more than likely, you’re going to be late for work and once again be entirely unable to visit with the spiders that are sitting in your favorite easy chair on your favorite early American morning sunrise coffee drinking perch due only to the fact that you don’t use an old fashioned percolator and don’t have a whole living and breathing house that is fully equipped with interior/exterior air quality management control systems.

Now that I’ve said what I have said on the subject of old fashioned coffee percolators, what do you think about bottles of wine?

Why is it that every time you uncork a bottle of wine, the sound you hear is as different as the force it takes to uncork the bottle?

It’s those eight minutes of wholly wasted, environmental and economic, social, personal and industrial unconscious time. They ought to make a law about unconscious time. Or maybe they ought to make a law about eight minute coffee breaks.

Are you sure you don’t want to meet my spiders?


M. Patrick Dahlke

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